My Testimony - Part 2

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This is a continuation of Tuesday’s post:  My Testimony - Part 1.

On Tuesday I left off at the part of the story where I had rededicated my life to Christ.  I was 22 years old.

Shortly thereafter the worship team for the college Bible Study group needed another female singer.  One of my friends sang on the worship team, and she told the worship leader I’d be great.  I tried out, and before I knew it, I was singing on the worship team.  I didn’t know it at the time, but two years later I’d be married to the worship leader.  Yes, my husband and I  met the first night I went to that Bible Study, and we got to know each other on the worship team.  We started dating on June 16, 1994, he proposed December 16, 1994, and we got married on June 17, 1995.

Five months after we got married, my husband was working at a job he hated.  While he was at work one day, I received a phone call from a Christian radio station 100 miles up the road.  They were in need of a sales person, and the sales manager  had gotten my Shannon’s name from one of my husband’s former employers.  To make a long story short, we moved two weeks later, and Shannon ended up working at that job for 7 years.

Shortly after we moved, we decided it would be great to start a family.  At first we thought we’d just leave it in God’s hands.  We threw out the birth control, and figured we’d be pregnant in no time.  Six months later, I still wasn’t pregnant.  For the next six months we TRIED to get pregnant.  Still no baby.  I went to the doctor, who put me on Clomid.  My temperature charts looked great.  Still, no baby.

My life was shaken.  I looked around at single women who got pregnant, and I hated them.  Or I thought I hated them, anyway.  I was mad at them.  Or so I thought.  In reality, I was mad at God.  I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t bless us with a baby, when there were women out there aborting their babies.  I would have gladly adopted any of them.  I sank into a pretty deep depression.

After 6 months of Clomid, I finally got pregnant.  I praised God throughout the pregnancy, and was thrilled to give birth to Liz late one Thursday night in February, 1998.  I vowed that nothing would ever shake my faith in God again.  But like the Israelites in the desert, my faith woud waver again and again.
When Liz was a year old, we started trying for a second child, knowing that getting pregnant might not be easy.  We were on and off Clomid for a year with no results.  After a year, I decided I needed a break from the fertility drug that made me crazy.  We started to try some natural alternatives, with no results.

One Sunday our pastor preached on Matthew 19:16-30, the story of the rich man who came to Jesus and wanted to know what he had to do to be saved.  In the end Jesus told him to sell his possessions and give to the poor.  The rich man walked away sad instead of following Jesus.  Our pastor asked what was so important to us, that it was standing in the way of following Jesus.  I knew right then that it was my desire for a baby.  I knew I had to give it to God, but I didn’t know how.

The next morning I woke up and did my daily devotions.  Still thinking about the sermon from the previous day, I prayed that God would take the desire for another child away from me.  I prayed that I would trust His plan.  Then I opened my Bible and turned to Psalm 66 and read.  Verses 10-12 jumped off the page at me:

10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

 11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

 12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

When I read that, I knew that one day we’d be blessed with another child.  I know this passage has nothing to do with pregnancy, but I guess that’s why they call the Bible the Living Word.  God speaks to you where you’re at.  I rested in the security of knowing that one day I’d hold another little baby.  I just didn’t know when.

2001 was a bad year.  Probably the worst year in my life to date.  My mother in law had quadruple bypass surgery.  Fortunately she recovered completely, but it’s still stressful to watch someone you love undergo such a serious surgery.

We found out we were pregnant in March, 2001.  From the get-go I had a bad feeling.  I think it was God’s way of preparing me that this baby was not the baby I’d get to take home in my arms.  In May I experienced a miscarriage.  I was devastated.  Still, in the back of my mind, I remembered what I felt God had promised me a year beforehand.  I still knew someday I’d have another baby.

We managed to get through the summer uneventfully, but in October my dad had a heart attack.  Fortunately he recovered, but again we had to face the fact that our parents were aging.  Then right before Thanksgiving my mom called.  She had been diagnosed with an incurable form of leukemia.  I felt that the world was crashing down on me.  Where was God?  Didn’t he care?

In December, our baby would have been born, had I not miscarried.  It seemed I was constantly in tears.  We wanted to move back home to be close to my parents, in case my mom needed help.  Our income was tight.  Very tight.  I remember standing in the kitchen one day, looking at some pictures we had just gotten developed.  I cried, because they were not of great quality.  My old camera was dying a slow death.  If only we had some money to buy a new one.  $100 would do it.  But I knew we didn’t have the money, so I didn’t mention my wish to anyone.  Not even my husband.

A few days later when I got the mail, there was a letter from our church.  In that letter was a check.  A $100 check.  I seriously almost fell over.  My husband was amazed when I told him about what I had been thinking a few days earlier.  We got a camera, and ended up having a bit left over for some necessary work on our car.

I wish I could say the bad news ended after we received that nice surprise in the mail.  However, that was about the time Shannon’s step-mom went into the hospital.  She held her own for a while, but passed away shortly after the new year.  I was devastated, as I was really close to her, but in a strange way I was comforted by the thought of Amber in heaven, holding my baby.

A month later, I found out I was pregnant.  It seems that God often brings new life out of death, and he did with us.  Though we were still grieving Amber’s death, we looked forward to meeting our new baby.  And somehow I knew that this baby would be healthy.

In March, my husband got a job back in our hometown, and we had to prepare to move.  Shannon made the 100 mile commute every day, while I prepared our manufactured home for sale.  Unfortunately, the market for manufactured homes had tanked, and homes were sitting on the market for years.  I began to worry.  What if we couldn’t sell our home?  We couldn’t afford two places, and my husband was having a really hard time commuting every day.  And I was pregnant.  I wanted to be moved before the baby was born.

Months went by.  We finally decided that if we weren’t moved by September 1, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  In mid-August our home still hadn’t sold.  I remember sitting in Sunday school, and the pastor asking God to help us sell our home and trust Him until we could move.  I went home to find a realtor card on my kitchen counter.  We got an offer on our house two days later, August 19.  The offer was contingent upon us closing before September 1.  September 1, the date we had set before the Lord.  We moved on August 28, and Sam was born two months later.

Since that time, Shannon has gone through several job changes.  Life has not always been easy for us.  In fact, he lost his job yesterday, and we are looking at life without an income until he finds another job.  Still, I know that God is in control and that He can use even this for His glory.

Looking back over the last 12 years, I can see a lot of suffering.  But through that suffering came greater faith.  If Shannon had lost his job 12 years ago, I would have gone into full panic mode, trying to fix things on my own.  But over the last decade, I have experienced God fulfilling his promise to me that we’d have children.  I’ve experienced His comfort through hard times.  I’ve experienced His care about the details in my life (remember that $100 check?).  I’ve experienced perfect timing of events that could only be orchestrated by God.

As Christians we will suffer.  The Bible says so.  But suffering produces greater faith, if we allow God to work in our lives.  God’s primary purpose is not to make us comfortable.  It’s for us to grow closer to Him and deeper in our faith.  It’s for us to reach others for Him.  And often the best way to do that is through trials and suffering.

So now my husband and I are entering another uncertain time.  I don’t know what the future holds. It might not be easy.  But I know God will see us through.  His timing is perfect, and he cares about the details in our lives.  He didn’t give us children, only to abandon us.  He will take care of us.  We’ll be OK.

If you’re suffering right now, hang on to Jesus.  He hasn’t abandoned you.  You may not always be able to see His purpose, but He can work all things for His glory, including the dark and terrible times.   Keep the faith!

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