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A friend of mine, we’ll call her Christine, has the following problem. Her daughter gets out of school at 2:00. Three times a month her son gets out of speech therapy at 2:15. Her daughter’s teacher frequently lets the class out late, sometimes as late as 2:15. Obviously my Christine can’t be in two places at once.
The mom of one of her daughter’s friends, who is a stay-at-home mom, offered to take my Christine’s daughter home from school on speech therapy days, so my Christine wouldn’t be late picking up her son. My Christine’s daughter would just have a playdate with her friend for a little while, until Christine could pick her up.
Christine is hesitant to do this, because she doesn’t want to take advantage of her friend, the stay-at-home mom. We’ve all heard the horror stories, and maybe some of us have even experienced a few. You know…friends and neighbors who always count on the stay-at-home mom to babysit in a pinch, because she’s always home.
So help Christine out. By accepting her friend’s offer to watch her daughter, would Christine be taking advantage of her friend, the stay-at-home mom? If you’re a stay-at-home mom, and even if you’re not, what do you think?
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Lizzie says:
I’d look at it this way - the other mom offered to help. Some might say she was offering out of pure Christian love and in recognition of your friend’s plight. If I knew of a parent in my own kids’ classes that needed help like this, I’d put up my hand too, because I understand how hard it is.
I have two kids in one school and a third in another school. He travels by government funded taxi to his special class (mainstream school) a couple of suburbs over and on days when my Hubs is working afternoons or dayshift, he’s not at home to meet the taxi. Our son/daughter’s school lets out at 3:20. Our other son’s school lets out at 3:15, but with travel time and the usual ‘lag time’ walking the younger two home, we have maybe a five or ten minute window. We absolutely cannot be late home on days when Daddy isn’t there. I myself have inwardly groaned (and yes, gotten more than a little annoyed) when my middle son’s teacher has held his class over the bell - the longer we’re at the school, the smaller my window gets, and the antsier I get to boot. Thankfully we’ve not yet missed being there when the taxi arrives but there have been a few close calls.
As for your friend, at three times a month, I would imagine that she’s just being a lovely friend to offer and I’d accept it, especially if the playdate was less than an hour. But I’d go out of my way to thank her profusely for her efforts - box of chocolates every couple of weeks, a nice thankyou card, that sort of thing. The ‘taking advantage of’ thing really only becomes a problem if your friend is letter her friend’s good deed go unrecognised. I would imagine a heartfelt hug and a card would go such a long way to allay your friends fears in this regard.
I’d also perhaps reciprocate with playdates on days when your FRIEND can host. That way it wouldn’t feel so one-sided
Cheers,
Lizzie
http://lizzieshome.blogspot.com/
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:19 am
Deb - Mom of 3 Girls says:
We had a similar situation a couple of years ago. My oldest was in preschool from 12:30 pm until 3:00 pm. Dropping her off was no problem - my hubby and I switched off picking her up at daycare and taking her to school during our lunch hours. But that darn pickup time was completely inconvenient for working parents. And her school was 4 days a week.
A week or two after school started I was talking to another mom that I knew slightly (her daughter had been in my daughter’s class the year before too) after picking Abby up. I was complaining a bit about how the school times were so difficult to deal with and she was agreeing since the preschool was in an elementary school building - the elementary school that her older son attended. The preschool let out at 3:00 pm but the elementary school didn’t end until 3:38pm. So she and her daughter would sit there for 40 minutes and wait since it didn’t make sense to run home just to turn around and come back right afterward.
She mentioned to me that since she was just sitting there for that 40 minute time period, that she would be happy to run Abby over to daycare for us. I struggled too with whether or not to accept her offer. It was so incredibly generous and would solve a huge problem for us, but I hated feeling like I was taking advantage… In the end I said yes - because we really needed the help. I offered to pay her gas money but she refused. I did buy her family a gift card to a local restaurant that year at Christmas as a thank-you. In February, a few weeks after my youngest was born, I was able to take over the pickup duties for Abby since I was home on maternity leave through the rest of the school year. But I still am so grateful to the other mom for stepping in and being a complete life-saver for us that year!
I’d say suggest to her that she accept, thank her and do something nice for her like Lizzie suggested…
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:44 am
Jordan (MamaBlogga) says:
I agree with the previous comments—because she offered, it’s not taking advantage of her. Definitely continue to show appreciation.
I would say that it verged into taking advantage of her if your friend started to ask the other mother to sit not just during times of dire need, but all the time, without offering any sort of remuneration.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:03 am
Ginny says:
The mom offered to help, so I would not consider that taking advantage. It is possible that she is doing it so that her child will have a friend to play with. I know one of my daughters friend, the dad loves when my daughter comes over while he is watching the kid because it keeps his daughter occupied. The only way I’d consider it taking advantage is if Christine started asking the stay at home mom to watch her daughter for free on non-speech days without the sahm offering, kwim. Maybe Christine could offer to occasionally take the sahm kid for an hour after school or something so that she could take care of something, etc. I know I have offered to help out working moms since I am a stay at home mom. They never take me up on it & then I wonder why, plus my kids are usually disappointed, etc. I say take her up on it!!!
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:30 am
Carrie says:
I would agree with the others…the mom OFFERED to do it. I would say that Christine should accept graciously. Maybe ask if there are any days that she can take SAHM’s kids for a playdate or if there is anything she can pick up at the grocery store on the way to pick up the kids from her house after therapy…Ya know? Also, I would tell her to keep communication OPEN so that if SAHM needs to have a day off for something she doesn’t feel bad asking…
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:23 am
fiveberries says:
If I were to do that for a friend, which I would, in a heartbeat, I would LOVE her to offer to watch my children for a similar amount of time as a thank you gift. I wouldn’t expect it or ask for it, ever. So, that said, if I were Christine, I’d take her friend up on the offer, and insist that we make it a trade. And then make good on my offer.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Jenny is Live & in Color says:
If the friend offered and has assured her that she doesn’t mind, then Christine needs to trust that she is telling the truth! Also, since it turns into a play date, it may even be helping her out. I know that when my kids have a friend over, they are distracted with playing and are actually less work for me.
Also, a Starbucks treat is a sweet show of appreciation
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:12 pm
cardiogirl says:
This is dicey. I agree to take her at face value. If she offered and Christine feels it is a valid, honest offer (that her friend didn’t feel *obligated* to offer I would go with it and watch it like a hawk.
The first time the other mother was sending weird vibes, I would stop and re-assess the situation. I also agree that a Starbucks treat or a gift card or something along those lines would be very nice.
Also, perhaps Christine could offer to host a play date on the weekend, so the SAHM gets a break as well.
I am a SAHM to three small girls and I rely on reciprocity. If I have someone’s kid over three times and they don’t invite my kid over it’s OFF BABY! I’m not doing this for my health. I’m doing it so YOU will take MY kid next week.
I hate to be blunt but that’s how I view play dates as a potential way for me to get a break from my own kid next week.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:26 am
Kandy says:
I agree with everyone else…she offered, and its only three times a week. I’d make sure to reciprocate too.
*hugs*
October 24th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Christine says:
(no, I am not the Christine in the blog!)
I agree, that the other mom offered herself, without provocation. It is sometimes so hard as a parent or a mom, to accept something like free childcare, because you have to work and you feel guilty leaving your kids in the first place. When I was a kid, my mom got home 15 mins after we did, so we went to a neighbors house everyday after school. The same neighbor for about 5 years. It wasn’t an imposition- her kids were the same age, and we all hung out and played anyway, so, we were always there, to begin with. Tell your friend not to feel guilty, but, to feel thankful that she has such a wonderful and caring neighbor, who really understands that she needs just a little bit of help to get through the day.
October 24th, 2007 at 11:48 am
Dana says:
If the friend offered, I think that the concern is not justified. Actually, I might feel a little offended if I offered and was turned down for that reason. In a friendship, one should be able to offer help.
IN a friendship, I think it would be ok to ask, too. The person can always say no.
And I am a stay at home mom, too.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:09 am
Lynnae says:
Thanks for all of your input. As a stay-at-home mom, I agree, and that’s what I told my friend. And my friend is definitely a person who would reciprocate when she could, so I assured her she wouldn’t be taking advantage. Hopefully she reads this and is assured that she’s OK.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Kerry says:
Found your blog through the bloggy giveaway. Will definately be back!
I’m a SAHM and agree with others who have said that she offered so not to feel bad. I have a family member who often calls and expects me to be available to do whatever she needs because I’m at home all day. But I’ve put my foot down lately and said ‘no” because my son is in the Early Intervention program and we have a lot going on now with multiple therapies. I refuse to sneak her in during the few precious hours I have left.
October 29th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Mom Is Teaching » Blog Archive » Carnival of SAHMs - New Weekly Edition! says:
[…] presents Ask the Readers: Taking advantage, or not? posted at From Under the […]
November 5th, 2007 at 7:30 am
Awesome Mom says:
Of course not! If the friend offered then it is not an imposition at all. I would be careful to be very prompt in picking the daughter up and maybe even give the friend a nice homemade gift once in awhile just so she knows that you are not taking it for granted.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:45 am
SAHMmy Says says:
Not taking advantage. The SAHM friend offered to help. One has to assume that she would not have offered if she did not want Christine to accept her help. Of course Christine would do well to stop by SBux before she picks up Kiddo#1 and heads to SAHM’s house to pick up Kiddo#2. I’d consider myself more than compensated for letting my own kiddo and her friend tear her room apart for 45 minutes if someone presented me with a Peppermint Mocha.
Check out one of the other posts in the Carnival of SAHM’s:
http://blog.beyondhorizoncoach.....iving.html
It may change the way you think about taking/giving.
November 6th, 2007 at 2:13 pm