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I’m not really sad. Definitely not depressed. But this is a new thing for me. I’ve noticed it more over the last year. When I’m happy, I want to cry. When something moves me, I want to cry. The feeling scares me.
You see, I’ve always been a rather tough person. I put up my personal walls early in life, and they’ve been walls of steel. Nothing was going to get through them. I have a great poker face, and I used to pride myself in being able to get through a tough situation without shedding a tear.
When I befriended people, it was on my terms, and I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. The way I saw it, I’ve been hurt plenty of times in this life, and I wasn’t about to let anyone else hurt me.
All that time, though, I was hurting myself. God made us to be relational, and by shutting people out of my life, I was sidestepping His best for me.
I’m not sure what’s changed over the last year. I know blogging has helped. I’ve written things on both of my blogs that in the past I would have held deep in the recesses of my heart. And I’ve learned that people like others to be real. To admit imperfection. And I’ve learned that it’s OK to fail.
And as my walls have come crumbling down around me, I’ve found that my heart has softened as well. When I hear great news, I have trouble choking back the tears. And when something weighs heavily on my heart, the tears start to fall down my cheeks.
I think know this change is for the good. But as with any change, the new feeling scares me. I hate feeling out of control. But in reality, I was never in control in the first place, was I?
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Sunny Daydreame says:
I can relate to your post. I’ve had to learn that people will let me down, and it’s not the end of the world.
I would like to include your post in the carnival of Christian women. Will you please take a moment to submit it via the link above?
January 21st, 2008 at 8:08 am
Kandy says:
You nailed how I feel…*hugs*
January 21st, 2008 at 9:49 am
Rhen (yestheyareallmine) says:
I have felt the same way recently. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak. I don’t like that. I found myself tearing up over a happy moment. I have yet to figure anything out. I guess God is ready for me to yet.
January 21st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Jennifer Partin says:
That’s great! Because you know how I feel about Superficiality.
January 21st, 2008 at 6:43 pm
boomeyers says:
Oh honey! I cry at those stupid onstar commercials! They get me every time…. talk about looking stupid! But I just dry the eyes and smile!
Acting weird like that keeps my kids wondering! …..
January 21st, 2008 at 7:59 pm
LJ says:
I’m a cry baby for sure, I cry at commercials, and when I am pregnant even the super bowl will make me cry. I have never felt embarassed about it, it is just who I am. I am an emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve. It is really a nice place to be. So, welcome to crying town! You’ll love it here!
Really, don’t feel like this is a bad thing, it is a good thing. Being open with your emotions is always a good thing, it is an honest thing and will be good for you!
Take Care
LJ
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:01 am
Lynnae says:
Thanks everyone! I know it’s a good thing. It’s just very foreign to me.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:13 am
Jenny is Live & In Color says:
I know what it’s like to feel things that weren’t allowed in before. It’s pretty scary. I will start to feel something in a situation that never used to effect me and I wonder what’s going on. Then I realize that I’m experiencing an appropriate emotion and it’s a good thing. (I still go through the intellectual process of it all). I’ve never been stoic, I just didn’t let things in too deeply.
So, kudos to you for growing!
btw, I like how you post a flower or nature on your posts. Looks nice.
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Carnival of Christian Women–February 1, 2008 | Dandelions and Daydreams says:
[…] We think we are in control, but we are not. When we find ourselves “losing” control, it’s a frightening experience. Lynnae tells us about her experience in relinquishing control in Sometimes I just want to cry. […]
February 1st, 2008 at 11:27 am